(Originally written on May 24, 1997)

Hi, this is Sultan in Florida. I’m fixed which is funny because I didn’t know I was even broken. Anyways, I can lift my leg with the best of them or do a beautiful rocking horse stance.

My problem is not “to lift or not to lift.” In Florida, it is a danger of being hit in the butt by Mockingbirds. Believe me, they can get you in the most delicate areas at a time of great exposure.

Today, I was visiting all my girlfriends at the nursing home when it was time for my 11 o’clock potty break. Mommy took me outside and I went in this high “society grass” stuff. Next thing I know, the “Pitbulls of the bird world” were dive bombing us. Mommy walked really fast to the awning in front of the nursing home, but did that stop that bully? No, he just kept swooping and yapping. We had to run inside. When it was time to leave, we kept our four eyes open for that “pain in the butt” bird.

Don’t think this is a one-time instance. When I was just a little puppy, I was playing in my yard, when a Mockingbird bit me hard right in that you know where. I jumped as high as that stupid cat on America’s Funniest Home Videos. For the next two weeks, I would not go outside unless it was between big brother Quinder and sister Ditty.

So, if you come to Florida, I will show you guys all the right trees and even watch your butts while you lift.

Sultan and Cheryl (who was frightened by the movie “The Birds” and who, as a child, was pigeon-bombed on the way to school)